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Humor
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Humor
Posted in 
Off-topic
Humor
What happened to the jokes of the day? From now on I'll "try" and post a little humor to cheer you people up. I just hope no one gets offeneded because there maybe some racist, blonde, redhead, or even g*y jokes. I know there will be some jokes that you've prolly heard before, but it wont hurt if you read em' again. If you got anything to share, feel free to do so. Nobody can stop you. So enjoy!:)


~There was a guy who just got out of a really bad divorce with his wife. One day, he found a genie's lamp. 
The genie came out and said," Hello master. I will grant you three wishes but, what ever you wish for your wife gets double." 
The guy didn't like that part but he made a wish anyway. For his first wish, he said,

"Genie, I want a house in Hawaii." POOF!!! He got one house, his wife got two. This didn't make him happy but, he made his second wish.

"Genie,I want 2 billion dollars." POOF! He got two billion, his wife four billion. By now, this guy isn't very happy. The genie says,"You have one wish left. I have to remind you, what ever you wish for your wife gets double." The guy says," Yeah,yeah.I know." So the guy thinks real hard and says "

I got it! Genie, beat me half to death!!" 


~A duck walks into a bar and asks "got any crackers?"
bar tender says no.
Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks, "got any crackers?"
bar tender says no. Duck walks out. 
Duck walks in the next day and asks, "got any crackers?"
Bar tender says, "I told you yesterday and the day before that no! and if you ask that one more time Ill nail your beak shut!" Duck walks out. 
Duck comes back the next day and asks, "got any nails?" bar tender says no. Duck says "good, Got any crackers?" 

~Q: How do you confuse a stupid person?
A: Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner. 


~A guy walks into a bar. He sits down and says to the bartender, "I'll bet you $100 that if you put a shotglass at that end of the bar, I could stand at the other end and fill it up with my urine." Well the bartender thinks, "That's an easy $100." So he says "Okay." So the guy gets on top of the bar and pees everywhere, even on the bartender. Well, the bartender doesn't care, he just won $100. So very happily the bartender asks for his money. The guy very happily says, "Here you go!" The bartender then asks, "Why are you so happy?" And the guy says, "Well, do you see that guy at the other end of the bar? I bet him $1000 that I could pee on you and you would be happy!"  





lmao.....that jus made my day. keep it up bro
>>>
Gerard™ 
 you ,made me laugh.......
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LMFAO...

That was funny ...lol

~A little boy wanted $100 very badly; his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed for two weeks but nothing turned up. Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the $100. When the post office received the letter addressed to God, they opened it and decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy $5. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you letter, which read as follows;
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington. As usual, those thieving b*stards deducted $95.



Really Bluze....Get A Life
This is ment bo be like a little song:

Their once was a genie 
with a light up wennie,
and he showed it to the lady 
next door.
She thought it was a snake
so she hit it with a rake,
And then his wennie was 5 foot 4.

And for an alternate ending,

And then his wennie lit up no more.
Two beautiful statues in a park, facing each other across the grass, one of a young girl and the other of a young man, looking towards each other like young lovers. These statues gave so much pleasure to people visiting the park that God looked down and decided to reward them with life for 30 minutes, on a Sunday when the park was closed to the public. 

~Immediately when they came alive, they ran together into the bushes and could be heard giggling and cooing with pleasure and the bushes were shaking. After 15 minutes they came out and realised that they still had 15 minutes more life to live. 

"What shall we do now then" said the boy statue. "Let's do the same thing again" she replied. "Okay", said the boy statue, "but this time, you hold the pidgeons down while I sh*t on them". 

No offense-christians
~Jesus, hanging on the cross, says, "Peter, come here." Peter, thinking he is about to receive a profound religious truth, tries goes to Jesus but Roman soldiers push him back. 

Again Jesus summons, "Peter, come here." Peter tries to, but Roman soldiers again push him away. 

Jesus summons a third time, "Peter come here." Peter gathers all of his strength and finally breaks through. Bleeding from several lance wounds, Peter says, "Yes, Master?" 

Jesus looks upon Peter and says, "I can see your house from here!" 



A wino walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
  
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
  
"Well, I'll tell you," he replies.  "You know I live by the railway..

Well,on my way home last night I noticed  a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. Of course I went and  cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway to cut a long story   short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We  did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!
   
" Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky slob. Was she pretty?"
 
"Dunno, never found the head."
~~Convicted
Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes. 

At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. 

He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific." They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. 
He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it." They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, 
going "Anybody got a match?"

~~A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that
the Pope was on the same flight.

"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. I've always been a big
fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next
to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak
to the Pontiff.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. This
is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good at
crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for
assistance.

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said,
"Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a
woman that ends in 'u-n-t'?"

Only one word leapt to mind...my goodness, thought the gentleman,
I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another. The gentleman
thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope,
the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."

"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

ur really annoying keep doing those pivtures whe i cant do them :|:(
actually , i think the guy should donate a kidney

lol